“I live below my means. … I live very modestly”; “It’s the same house that I raised my children in since elementary school”;  “I live simply and really focus on saving.”

If these comments sound rather ordinary, you might be surprised to know that the women who responded to this survey have a minimum net worth of $25 million, so they can well afford to live richly even during a recession.

But according to the study, there is a wealth paradigm shift going on and affluent women who once took on the traditional woman’s role are now taking control of their futures. The study concludes that they are “focused not on viewing their wealth as a measure of success but as a source of empowerment to achieve their goals and independence.” And this view was shared among women who worked for their money as well as those who inherited it.

Here are some other key findings of the study:

– Women are seeking a holistic approach to wealth management, which includes establishing internal family structures and openly talking about money, particularly with their children.

– Even though the women surveyed said they were raised in households with traditional views of a woman’s role, they are emerging with a commitment to develop their professional skills and to be viewed in their families and communities as having equal opportunities and status as men.

– Women are stepping up to new levels of involvement in the management of their families’ wealth, with 88% of those in the study playing a high-to-moderate role in the management of family assets. They are meeting regularly with advisors, reading investment performance reports, and trying to compile a complete wealth picture.

So what are some lessons we can take away from this peek into the other side of financial independence?

Whatever your means, live below them.

Take a holistic approach to your money and view wealth as a source of empowerment versus a measure of success. Viewing wealth as a measure of your success often means that you have to find ways to let others know successful you are and that can lead to overspending.

Step up to the plate. Be involved in the money management process of your family. Taking control means a lot more than just writing checks to pay bills.

Involve your children in the process early so they can grow up with an understanding of money management and they do not have to repeat many of the mistakes you made.

Get professional help if you need it. The right professional help can not only save you money, but they can save you precious time as you travel on the road to financial independence.

Patricia Stallworth, is an author, speaker, money coach and consultant. She is the founder and CEO of PS Worth, a financial education and consulting firm whose mission is to arm women and men with the skills and tools to take charge and take control of their financial lives, and the author of Squeeze the Most Out of Your Money, Minding Your Money and the 57 Most Frequently Asked Questions About Divorce. Stallworth is a former instructor in the Certified Financial Planner™ and Certified Divorce Financial Analysts programs at Oglethorpe University. She also worked in a management or advisory capacity with several firms, including American Express Financial Advisors and Deloitte & Touche. And she is a former money talk show host for WCLK in Atlanta, Women & Money blogger for BlackEnterprise.com, and Wealthy Smart’s columnist for the Atlanta Tribune. Her website: http://patriciastallworth.com/.

By Penelope Lemov –

My husband and I have been incredibly lucky. We came of age in the great economic expansion that followed World War II. We’ve had good jobs and rewarding careers–to the point where we have been able to set aside enough padding for our retirement–and a little bit more. It’s that “little bit more” that now wiggles and jiggles inside my brain and bank account.

If we have “a little bit more,” why not share it with our grown children in the here and now? Not to spoil them but to step in when there’s a crisis or a need. Or to indulge them in something we’d like them to have—like a dishwasher or a fence for the yard. And to let them know in advance that should they need help, we’ve got their back.

Fortunately, my husband and I are on the same page: We see nothing wrong in this. But recently, I’ve seen some material that has raised doubts about how wise a practice this is.

In “Choking on the Silver Spoon,” psychologist Gary Buffone suggests that to keep on offering money both spoils grown children and infantilizes them. It’s a way to control the kids by using money to tie the apron strings. The author suggests that we who offer cash are suffering from affluenza, that our financial parenting has run amok.

I took that to heart. Then I read an online story that interviewed several psychologists. They too tsk-tsked the idea of helping out their grown kids with money. When questioned about their own personal practices, however, all admitted to being guilty of indulging their grown children financially.

Is this a case where common sense and psychological theory differ? And does it all come down to what we’re comfortable with, with what makes sense for our particular children and their behavior. If they aren’t dependent and don’t make constant demands and suggest they expect our help indefinitely, then why not help out on an as-needed basis?

Here’s how one friend parses those differences. He starts out with this philosophy:  ”I believe in fostering independence. They have to stand on their own two feet.” And yet, he admits it’s more complicated than that—for him and his grown children, both in their early 40s.

His married daughter–a mother of two and a lawyer who has opted not to work full time—called him and asked him for $1,000 to cover the costs of a trip to be with her best friend whose mother had just died. He declined. “It would be nice for her to go,” he says, “but this is something she should pay for herself.” In other words, it’s not an emergency; it’s not something she absolutely needs.

He then went on to say he had just lent his son money to buy a boat. A boat! Certainly not an emergency. The son is prospering in his job and has long dreamed of owning a boat. He asked his dad for a loan so he can buy it now. It could clearly fall under the category of something he should pay for himself. And yet, the dad said yes, without hesitation.

Why? The son has borrowed money from him before; he has always paid it back–on time and in full. The daughter, it turns out, has also borrowed money from dad–and never pays it back. From the dad’s point of view, her requests for money come with a sense of entitlement.

In effect, he is applying a business-like calculus to his children’s requests for financial help: A loan, yes, but only if the credit rating has been maintained. A gift, maybe, depending on what it’s for and how good the credit standing is.

As Penelope Lemov, I’m a senior editor and financial columnist for a national magazine on state and local government. I write two monthly columns on finance and tax policy, both of which are posted at Governing.com.  In my more personal life, I’m known as Penny. I have one husband (of 45 years) and two grown children, both of whom have started families of their own in cities far from the family home and from each other. The grand total is four grandchildren, one grandpup and a lot of travel to visit them. Their lives and the way our lives intersect with them are the spark behind my blog, Parenting Grown Children: What Dr. Spock Forgot to Tell Us.