We’ve all heard quotes such as this one—but do we really get the message? It sounds good. We might think about it for a few minutes. But then we revert back to comfortable patterns of thinking.

What does “living in the present” mean? Can a mere moment impact your relationships with the special people in your life?

Consider what you talk about with your spouse. Frequently such discussions involve what is going to happen at some time in the future or what did happen not too long ago. Take an inventory of these conversations, and see for yourself what they are focused on.

By living in the past or future, many things in the present go unnoticed: a blazing red sunset, a warm summer breeze, brilliant fall foliage, fragrant spring flowers, falling snowflakes, and a smile on your child’s face. For example, a friend of mine on vacation talked to me on her cell phone about how much she liked the vacation spot. Mostly she talked about needing to come back to it one day. What she missed was that she was already there. Unfortunately, she couldn’t live in that moment and enjoy what was happening right then.

To try to change this pattern, try this exercise. Make a list for one day of all the things around you. Write down everything: the smell of coffee brewing, the playful sounds of kids talking with their siblings, your spouse’s clothing that day, and the weather outside. List everything you see, hear, and touch that day.  Then at night, after the day is coming to a close, share this list with your partner. Point out which things you never had noticed before. Talk with each other about how this exercise made you feel.

Our lives are enriched when we become more fully aware. Social psychologist Ellen Langer explains it this way: “When we’re there at the moment, making it new, it leaves an imprint in the music we play, the things we write, the art we create, in everything we do.” When can we start being more fully aware? Not tomorrow, but rather today. Not in the next hour, but rather in this hour.

It becomes an adventure to notice things you might have previously taken for granted. It becomes a pleasure to start savoring the moment. Your relationship can flourish when you take the time to see small details. Perhaps you might even discover something new about your partner that you previously overlooked because your mind was on other things. Benefits for couples of living in the moment include increased intimacy, more appreciation for each other, and better knowledge of each other’s world.

Originally posted on BarbaraJPeters.com.

You know your marriage is strong when you can have sexually oriented conversations with your spouse. Outside of having intimate discussions about what the LORD is doing in your life, there is probably no other kind of marital talk which reveals the true strength of your relationship.

Though we live in a sexually explicit culture where promiscuous thinking and behaving is the norm, many Christian husbands and wives are still intimidated about having biblically motivated, God-centered sex talks.

There are many reasons for this; the main one being our Adam-inherited fear which impacts every sphere of our thinking and behaving. The closer you press toward spiritual or physical intimacy, the more you will be challenged to become vulnerable before others.

And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, “You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.” – Genesis 2:16-17 (ESV)

The two initial things which went dysfunctional after Adam and Eve sinned in the garden were their relationship with God and their relationship with each other. The LORD told them if they sinned there would be a severing of His protective and sovereign care.

Adam and Eve ignored His warning by sinning anyway and the fear factor kicked in shortly thereafter. This is part of the reason people are intimidated about discussing their relationship with God. We are naturally fearful people.

And he said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.” – Genesis 3:10 (ESV)

Adam and Eve became afraid of God after they sinned. This fear not only affected the spiritual dynamics of their lives, but it also affected them physically. God became distant and they became sexually confused.

Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths. – Genesis 2:7 (ESV)

We’re all born with a sense of shame and guilt. We have this internally awkward awareness which compels us to want to hide from each other as well as from God (Romans 3:10-12). There is a direct correlation between how a person relates to God spiritually and how he relates to his spouse sexually.

The God-influenced man will have a healthy view and practice of sex (1 Corinthians 7:1-5). The same goes for his wife. The Godless man or woman will have an unbiblical view and practice of sex.

Your view, attitude, and practice of sexuality is proportional to your view, attitude, and walk with the LORD. Adam and Eve broke their relationship with God which spun them into sexual confusion.

This makes sense because God is the author of sex. He made Adam and Eve for the enjoyment of each other (Genesis 2:24-25). Sex was God’s idea. It was not until sin entered the world that our thinking on such things became chaotic.

Perfect sex

A discussion on sex can go in many different directions. For this article I want to highlight two areas where sin can easily break a husband and wife down while keeping them from being naked and unashamed with each other.

• Sin will keep a man from talking about his sexual temptations.
• Sin will tempt a woman to be offended by his sexual temptations.

Because of these two realities in most marriages, couples are never able to openly and humbly discuss how sin is captivating them, to the point of keeping sexually oriented secrets from each other.

The husband can be tempted and the woman can be insecure and offended by his temptations. That’s a formula for secret-keeping, anger, sexual frustration, communication breakdowns, bitterness, un-forgiveness, and resentment.

I’m sure you can add a few more biblical labels to the mix, but you get the idea. If a husband and wife do not fight for biblical sexual discussions, they will never be able to completely realize the fullness of the marriage God offers them.

Sex is a deeply spiritual moment for two people who love God and love each other (Matthew 22:36-40). When omnipresent God is ruling the heart of a man and a woman, who are physically intimate, they are enjoying the most profound human communal experience possible.

Think about the sexual relationship between Adam and Eve before Genesis 3:1-7. It was God, man, and woman with no sin to interrupt their thoughts or actions. It is hard to grasp such things.

The good news for us is because of the power of the Gospel, the freedom of forgiveness, and the enablement of the Spirit, we can come to a close approximation of the physical intimacy Adam and Eve enjoyed before sin.

Men are tempted

Before a couple can come to this kind of close approximation to physical intimacy, they must deal with the reality of sin. Sin should never be ignored, it is real and it is divisive.

When it comes to sex, there are two competing interests vying for the mind of a man: (1) He was wired to enjoy sex and (2) sin attempts to distort his attitude toward sex.

This simply means a man must be honest about how sexual realities play out in his mind. It also means his wife must have the grace to provide a context for him to share his true thoughts about sexual temptations.

(I’m getting ahead of myself on this second point. More on that later.) I do not know the percentage of men who have not masturbated. I’m confident the percentage of adult males who have not is low.

This is just one way we have been sinfully affected when it comes to sex. Can we be honest about our sexual temptations? If you can’t be honest, then sin, shame, and guilt will be the controlling factors of your heart. God will not have first place in your heart.

This was Adam and Eve’s problem after they sinned. God was no longer the governing and motivating power behind their actions. Sin ruled their hearts, which overly exposed their nakedness and shame.

The first thing a man must do to counteract his weirdness about having a sexual discussion with his wife is to fix whatever is broken in his relationship with God. Sexual conversations originate from the heart, not the lip.

If a man’s heart is not right with God, then the kind of speech he has with his wife will not be right (Luke 6:45). People miss this important step. If they ever get the gumption to share their temptations with their wives, they usually do so before spending adequate time with the LORD.

Our hearts must be calibrated by God before we start talking about our sexual temptations with our wives. Keeping in step with the Spirit means being like-minded with the Spirit on sexual things.

If the Spirit is illuminating and guiding your sexual speech, then you should be equipped to engage your wife with the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control when you talk to your spouse (Galatians 5:22-23).

Women are insecure

All relationships are about giving and receiving. I have addressed the heart of the speech giver when it comes to talking about his struggles and temptations regarding sex.

It is just as incumbent on the speech receiver to have a right relationship with God so she can hear from the LORD as she hears from her husband. One of the cool things about the Gospel is how it creates an environment where we can be honest.

This is one of the many things we like about God. We know He will not judge or condemn us when we bare our souls to Him. This was why the Psalmist could boldly inquire of the LORD,

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! – Psalm 139:23-24 (ESV)

Wow! How bold is that? How emboldening is that? God gives us amazing confidence to be honest with Him. We know He is grace-filled enough to steward our problems. How releasing.

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. – Ephesians 5:1 (ESV)

This begs a question for wives: How are you imitating God as far as creating a context for your husband to be honest with you? This does not mean he will be honest. That is not the question or the concern right now (Romans 12:18).

If you are not able to provide this kind of God-centered confidence for your husband to be weak and vulnerable, then you must do similarly to your husband: the next step is you must repair your relationship with the LORD.

Insecurity is fear. Adam and Eve were insecure because their relationship with God was broken. Our fear and insecurity is proportional to the strength of our relationship with the LORD.

The God-empowered, God-centered, and God-motivated woman is standing on the strength of the LORD’s perfection and cannot be overcome by her husband’s imperfections.

Your husband’s temptations and sins will reveal what your relationship with the LORD is really like and it will also reveal your most important desire. If you’ve placed more hope in your husband’s goodness than the LORD’s goodness, then you will only be as strong as your husband’s ability to meet your expectations.

If you’ve placed your primary hope in God, then your strength will be controlled by other-worldly factors. This will empower you to be a means of restorative grace to your husband.

Making it practical

Perhaps you’re not able to have these types of sexual conversations with your spouse. I realize there can be many complicating reasons for this. If you’re not able to enter into biblically centered sexual discussions, then the first place to begin is with prayer.

Ask the LORD to do a mighty work of grace in your heart (Proverbs 21:1). He is willing to do such things for the humble person (James 4:6). Lay out your soul before Him, asking Him to do that thing He does so well–providing grace.

Maybe your spouse will never change, but his/her change should never interfere with how the grace of God operates in your life. Be daring. Ask Him to search your heart and if He reveals an evil way in you, simply repent. Be free from sin.

Then begin to make plans to enter into a discussion with your spouse. Approach your spouse with grace and courage. Be like Adam and Eve when sin was not present with them. You can do this if you have removed your sin through the grace-effective means of repentance.

If your spouse is not interested in going farther with you, then be at peace. Be released from the temptation of a bad attitude toward you spouse. You’ve done what you can do. Maybe there will be another time and another season for you to re-enter this discussion.

If your spouse is not interested in going farther with you, then ask the Father to bring a friend of the same-sex into your life to provide encouragement and care for you regarding how you think about sex.

Caveat – This kind of care from a friend should never be about your spouse’s faults or failures. Your communication should be about you and the LORD. Don’t slander or devalue your spouse before others.

If your spouse is interested in going farther with you and your heart has been adjusted by the LORD, then by all means, begin talking to your spouse. Use discernment, wisdom, and grace when you begin sharing your heart.

Typically in situations like this, the other spouse has not spent the same amount of time in prayer and reflection regarding these things. You may be days or even weeks ahead of your spouse in your thoughts about sex and marriage. Don’t assume yours and your spouse’s thoughts are similar.

Be measured, but courageous. Lead your spouse. If you’re the wife, you should still lead your spouse. My wife is my number one discipler. She leads me well and I praise God for the things He has given her, which she has shared to me.

Rick Thomas has been training and counseling in the Upstate of South Carolina since 1997. After several years as a counselor and pastor he founded and launched his own Christian training organization in order to assist Christians around the world regarding a better understanding and practice of Christian discipleship. In the early ’90’s he earned a BA in Theology. Later he earned a BS in Education. In 1993 he was ordained into Christian ministry and in 2000 he graduated with a MA in Counseling. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow with a nationally recognized counseling group. Today his organization represents clients in over 90 countries as well as all 50 states through his consulting, training, blogging, and coaching. Website: http://www.rickthomas.net/.

With Mother’s Day around the corner, I took the liberty of asking my two adult daughters questions about their relationship with me as their mother. As coauthor of Women I Want to Grow Old With, with Diane Gage Lofgren, I believe that mothers and daughters have a special bond. We may not be “friends” per se, but our woman-to-woman relationship can be as fulfilling as any friendship and also uniquely sacred.

At first, I was hesitant to reach out, thinking my girls might find it a bit strange that their mom was interviewing them, but my desire to have in-depth conversations with my daughters, women I want to grow old with, won out. I started by asking, “What do you find most important about your relationship with your mother?” It’s a seemingly innocent question and a great beginning to the conversation about mother-daughter relationships.

My youngest daughter, Marge, shared that she loved the “full self-expression” in our relationship because it gave her more confidence in showing her love for me and sharing her dreams and aspirations with me. You can imagine my delight in hearing my daughter also felt our openness with each other was very effective in resolving problems. A two-way street with mutual effort being put into our mother-daughter friendship was very satisfying to her.

With Marge’s response, I realize that having close, intimate relationships with my daughters has always been important to me. There’s so much that women can say and do “woman to woman,”  and that a commitment[D1]  to be honest and open takes on different expressions over time. Today there is a playfulness and enjoyment that I believe age and appreciation of each other allows for. As my daughter reminds me, “An additional bonus in our relationship is that you have good taste in shoes=)”.

When asking my daughters what is different today in our relationship compared to a decade ago, MargE shared that “Ten years ago I think I did things “because I had to”— Mom says I have to be home at 10pm. Now, I worry about how things affect my mom, and consider her as a person with feelings.”

My older daughter, Elizabeth, has gone through the ups and downs of being a step-mom. Walking in “mother shoes” has given her a new respect and ability to communicate in very honest ways with me. We’re able to laugh, cry, scream and philosophize about life and its twists and turns. How delicious—especially with a daughter.

When asking these two wonderful young women the question, “How do you and I grow together?” their responses were very touching and gave much pause for thought.

“We grow by evolving our conversations, such as not getting stuck in a ‘9-year-old child dynamic’ but  trying to address each other in the present, not the past,” says Elizabeth

“I think we also grow by updating our common interests. They are much different than 10 to15 years ago, and getting to know the person behind the ‘mother/daughter’ is helpful as well.” says MargE

We continue to share new and different parts of who we are while letting go of roles and stereotypes of the past. This is possibly the most fascinating opportunity in evolving and creating our relationships. Being able to enjoy each other in new ways, year after year, provides a richness and depth that has the future be even more exciting.

Not every woman has a biological daughter to grow and evolve with, but we can experience these moments of pleasure and depth in our woman-to-woman relationships especially with younger women. These may be your nieces, friends’ daughters, young women at work or professional mentees, I say, making the effort and commitment to be part of other young women’s lives allows for a wealth of blessings in our female relationships that aren’t attainable anywhere else.

On this Mother’s Day, we can all celebrate the many ways in which we “mother” and allow ourselves to be “mothered” in these special women-relationships. Honor each other and the paths chosen at this special time.

Diane Gage Lofgren and Margaret Bhola are the authors of Women I Want to Grow Old With http://womeniwanttogrowoldwith.com/book that sprang from Diane and Margaret’s mutual desire to foster their female friendships–and their friendship with each other. Diane is the author of nine books and the Chief Communication Officer for a national health organization. Margaret, a health advocate, effective leader and team coach, is a National Marketing Director for NSA International.

My Mom is a petite woman – yet very big.

She is soft spoken – yet very outspoken.

She is delicate – yet strong.

She is understated – yet elegant.

She is wise – yet modest.

She is dedicated to helping others – yet she dedicates her life to our family.

She is 93– yet she is young.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!

Ellen Dolgen and Her Mother

My mother was always trying to teach me the best ways to approach life’s challenges. She used the finest tools available to her. But she came from a very different generation. She was brought up when women were not taught to speak up. It was not her fault that she missed the boat when it came to teaching me about perimenopause and menopause.

See, when I entered the hormonal throes of perimenopause, I was irritable, uncomfortable, troubled by memory loss, sleeplessness and a variety of other lovely symptoms. Worst of all, I felt like some demon had taken over my body and was eating away at my capacity for rational thought.

Confused and scared, I turned to my go-to person for all female issues: my mom. You can imagine my reaction when she told me that she didn’t have time for menopause. Her motto was, “I’m fine, fine, super fine.” Well, I didn’t feel like I had time for menopause either, but my symptoms made it impossible for me to ignore it and trust me, I was far from fine!

Later, after putting some pieces of a family puzzle together, I figured out the reason for my mother’s denial. My grandmother had gone through a very severe depression during menopause. In those days, some women like my grandmother were given shock therapy for menopausal depression. Can you imagine?! My mom had to take a leave of absence from her teaching job to take care of her mother. No wonder my mom “didn’t have time” for menopause! Who would want to have time for that?

Some experiences can silence even the strongest women. I wish I could reach back in time and give my grandmother a hug and let her know that I understand what she was going through. I wish that my mom had been more open with me about the things she was going through instead of feeling she had to always be the rock of the family.

The journeys of my mom and grandmother helped fuel my urgent and relentless desire to seek out a perimenopause and menopause specialist, get answers, and find hormone happiness. I learned that women shouldn’t have to suffer through perimenopause and menopause, and the biggest reason they were—and still are—is because women are still not prepared for perimenopause and menopause! For the most part, we still think this is a taboo topic!

As women, we know when something just doesn’t feel or seem right. It’s our responsibility to give our feelings credit—both for ourselves and for the sake of other women worldwide. It’s time to set a precedent for how women should feel in their own bodies. From puberty to menopause—and everything in between—it’s up to us to know our bodies and ensure they have what they need for a happy, healthy life. However, many women are still scared to speak up and feel like they have to power through on their own.

That’s why I couldn’t have been more proud when my daughter walked into her doctor’s office and demanded to have the proper blood panels taken for fertility testing. She stood up for herself and her health, and now, two years later, mid planning for her upcoming wedding and her life ahead, family planning is no mystery to her. Her health is no mystery to her. She is entering this exciting new chapter of her life as an active participant. Life isn’t something that just happens to her. She makes her life—and the life she deserves—happen.

In memory of our grandmothers and in honor of our dear, sweet moms, let’s help break the taboo nature that surrounds menopause. We need to teach the women of the next generation that they don’t have to be, “fine, fine, super fine” all the time. They should speak up and get the help they both need and deserve.

I hope my daughter can say that the best thing I ever taught her was how to be an advocate for her own health and happiness. I hope the same for all of the daughters of the Sisterhood! Together, we can make it happen!

Reaching out is IN!  Suffering in silence is OUT!

Is it hot in here or is it just you? Get discounts on great menopause products, courtesy of EllenDolgen.com. Available now: cooling clothes, a sleek and discrete chargeable fan, a “Hot Flash Havoc” documentary, and a natural menopause relief formula. Enter promo code “ellend” to save serious cash!

Let’s hang out! Join Ellen the first Monday of every month at 8pm EST/5pm PST for her Menopause Mondays Google Hangouts: Where the Sisterhood helps the Sisterhood. You can ask Ellen your menopause questions at this free online event! Details here ­­––>

Party in person! Ellen’s hosting a Menopause Mondays Live Event June 3 at 5pm PST at Burlap Restaurant in Del Mar, California. Click here to RSVP.

Supporting military families: On May 10, Ellen will be speaking at Military Spouse Appreciation Day on Naval Base San Diego (NBSD) along with other medical professionals and wellness experts on a variety of topics that affect women’s health and wellness. In addition to these attendees, and with the assistance of They Serve 2, a non-profit dedicated to supporting military service families, Ellen is able to donate thousands of copies of her book, Shmirshky: think inside the box to spouses of servicemen and servicewomen as well as civilians supporting the military.

Click Here to see what Ellen Dolgen is giving away this month.

More important women’s health information on EllenDolgen.com:

Menopause Mondays: How to Age Gracefully Through Menopause
http://www.shmirshky.com/menopause-blog/2013/03/25/aging-gracefully/

Menopause Mondays: Fight Menopausal Weight Gain
http://www.shmirshky.com/menopause-blog/2013/03/18/menopausal-weight-gain/

Menopause Mondays: Women’s Fertility and the Biological Clock
http://www.shmirshky.com/menopause-blog/2013/03/11/womens-fertility/